Do you ever wish you could get inside your husband’s head? However open and honest we might want to be in our marriages, there are still some things we wish our spouses knew without us having to tell them. For this reason, I’ve decided that every now and then we’ll address some of these tricky topics ourselves. I’ll start tonight with one of the trickiest topics…
Your husband cares about the way you look.
We have heard many times from many sources that “men are visual.” Still this is a tough topic for many men because historically we have made them feel like it is immature or shallow of them to put so much importance on physical appearance. It’s also a tough one because, since our husbands love us, they do not want to add to the unhealthy messages we receive from culture and the media that we simply are not good enough. How, then, can we take an honest look at this topic without condemning men for their “shallow” feelings or condemning ourselves for not measuring up?
Let’s start by looking back to what it was like before we got married. I don’t know about you, but I wanted to look cute every time I knew I was going to see Garrett. I wanted him to notice me and to be attracted to me. Thankfully, he did and he was. Understanding the ways that guys are visually stimulated worked to my advantage in those days. I understood it and I leaned into it. I made an effort to look good because I cared about the way he thought about me. I never got mad at him or felt resentful when I was looking for the perfect jeans so that he might take a glance as I walked away. I wanted him to be drawn to me.
I’ve heard women say countless times that it is frustrating to them that their husbands no longer romance them and do sweet things for them once they get married. As women, we want to be pursued by those thoughtful little details like we were in the beginning of the relationship. In the same way, I’ve come to learn that men felt similarly pursued by us when we used to make an effort to look our best just to see them. Just like we might miss the flowers and the love notes, he might miss seeing you in something other than sweat pants and a baggy shirt.
Really, I’m preaching to myself here. I work from home and most days wear a uniform for gigs. Some days my office may be on the couch in my yoga pants, cozy hoodie and fuzzy socks.
I realize that my attitude about my appearance could take a toll on my relationship with my husband and we’re still in the honeymoon phase (which is 2 years by the way).
I know …I know what you’re thinking. “Wait until you’ve been married 5, 10 or 15 years”! Well I’ve decided to set my intentions and change my perspective early on.
What if, instead of making our husbands feel like jerks for caring about the way we look, we could remember how much we wanted to look good for them when we were first together? They don’t need us to look like someone else. They just want us to know that they are delighted when we thoughtfully make an effort to care about our own appearance the same way we are delighted when they thoughtfully bring home fresh flowers. Your husband does care about the way you look, but not more than he cares about you and wants to be married to you. 💛
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